Hi there. You must be the new guy. Welcome to our lab, let me show you around. We share the floor with three other labs. To your left is the Hong lab. If we are ever out of anything, feel free to ask any of their lab members, they're usually a lot more organized than we are. But don't mention this to Dr. Hong or our boss. If you let on, you will be let go.
Here is where out lab starts. On the left are Ben and Todd. If you ever lose anything in lab, go see them. Chances are they have it. For the same reason, you should always write your name all over your own stuff. Do not confront Ben or Todd about their kleptomania; just walk over, take your stuff back, and go. They'll understand. We speculate that their kleptomania is fueled by a need for social contact. Nonetheless, do not attempt to converse with Ben or Todd, as you otherwise will not hear the end of it.
At the next bench sits Lisa. Lisa is the love interest of Mike, who sits over there. They take the bus to work together every morning. For Lisa, it is just another routine event made slightly more interesting by Mike's company. For Mike, it's the highlight of his day. The rest of us think that Mike will eventually ask Lisa out, and after a period of dating, it will end terribly and they will never talk again. Needless to say, you should not mention this to either of them.
Next to Mike sits James. James hates undergraduates. When you inevitably pick up undergraduate students, be sure to inform them of this. Failure to do so may result in the verbal abuse of your students, which will be reflected in your quarterly review. If your students ever need anything from James, it is best that you ask for them. But don't expect to get it either.
What's this about a quarterly review. I'm glad you asked. Feel free to ask questions. Ask too many questions, however, and you may be let go. Every three months you will be given a letter from our boss outlining his thoughts on your work. Included will typically be a series of noncommittal statements about your progress, ending with a demand for experiments to be performed more quickly. Do not take these statements too personally, as the boss will have probably forgotten about what he wrote within a day. Nevertheless you should take these notes into account, as otherwise, you may be let go.
On the wall is the eyewash station and chemical shower. Feel free to use them in the case of emergency. Expect to clean up afterwards; there is no drain underneath the shower. Note that access to the eyewash and shower is usually blocked by any number of obstructions. The unintentional goal of this is to limit its use and by extension the number of accidents in lab. Please act accordingly. If you will be having accidents in lab, please plan them around the one time a year when we clean the area for safety inspections as your access to the showers will be unhindered.
Here is Esther's bench. If you ever break anything in lab, please report it to Esther immediately. Failure to do so will result in a long lecture on responsibility and lab etiquette. It is highly recommended that you limit the number of items in lab that you break, as too many will result in you being let go. Esther recently had a grandchild, so be sure to ask to see the pictures she has on her desk to stay on her good side.
Oh I nearly forgot. Out by the elevators is out kitchenette. You may store your lunch in one of the two refrigerators we have. Do not leave your food on the counter, as we consider any food left on the counter as free game for the rest of us. On Thursdays the Hong lab has their lab meetings, so free lunch will likely be available as they bring up their leftovers. Our lab meetings do not include food, so plan accordingly. In the event of free food, it is best that your arrive at the kitchenette as soon as possible to ensure yourself a serving.
Beyond this bench is the Cameron lab. You have no business in being over there. You will be introduced to the rest of the lab on a need-to-know basis. If you have any other questions, ask Bill; he sits over there. If you need to order something, see Esther's student, whose desk is over there. If the alarm goes off, see Mike. If all else fails, you can come see me. This is my bench. I sit right over there. Now please go away.
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